How To Stop Being Judgemental
Are you a judgemental person? The answer is often yes. Of course, being judgemental isn’t always a bad thing. Often, when we balance our inner judge we can make informed decisions and leave or avoid dangerous situations.
Additionally, when we are critical, we are helping ourselves become more creative, insightful, and innovative when it comes to helping ourselves and helping others with their problems.
However, there are definitely times when being judgemental is rude, hurtful, and unnecessary.
This is especially true when we nitpick and find faults with others, or when we think, speak, or behave in a way that condemns, criticizes, or ridicules someone else, an idea, a belief system, etc.
If you find you’re being judgemental far more than you’d like, then our top tips can help you stop these thought processes and become a happier, positive, and more accepting person. Read on to find out more!
Why Are We Judgemental?
Often, people become judgemental as a defense mechanism. The defense mechanism is an unconscious mental process that is initiated to protect the ego, mostly from anxiety or conflict.
The ego’s purpose is to keep us feeling isolated from others as a survival tactic, and this survival tactic comes out in a plethora of different defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms related to judgment looks like this:
- Finding faults in others to avoid the faults in ourselves
- Protecting ourselves (or at least believing that we are protecting ourselves) from being hurt by other people
- Attempting to give ourselves self-worth by feeling superior to others.
We are often unaware that we partake in these behaviors, but it is vital to recognize when it is happening so we can learn how to be better people to ourselves and to others.
Here are our tips for becoming a kinder, less judgemental person!
We often cannot relate to the person we are judging, and can’t begin to understand what is causing that behavior.
Therefore, we find it difficult to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and have empathy for them.
However, this does not mean we are free to judge them for it. Instead, you should think back to a time when someone found something you did annoying or strange, and remember how you felt in the moment.
Perhaps you were having a bad week or were in the middle of a heated argument with a loved one.
You will realize that you don’t know what led the person you are judging to be the way they are, just like nobody had the context for your similar situation.
This realization allows you to give the person you’re judging the benefit of the doubt, which will further allow you to practice empathy towards them.
Look At The Positive Side
When we find ourselves making a negative judgment about someone else, it is helpful to turn those thoughts on their head and make a positive judgment instead.
For example, if you’re walking down the street or are dancing the night away in a club and see a young adult with an outfit you think you think is way too bold and over-the-top.
Instead of turning up your nose and laughing with a friend, you should try and admire their confidence in wearing something different to the norm, or admire how confident they are in themselves to express their sense of style (and how well they’re pulling it off!)
Again, if you hear someone talking or laughing loudly at a bar or a restaurant, instead of rolling your eyes and giving some serious death stare, you should tell yourself that it is sweet that they are able to relax and have fun with their friends or family.
Focusing on the positives instead of the negatives of a situation allows you to bring yourself back into the moment and appreciate what is going on around you.
Rewrite Your Thoughts
If you cannot think of a positive judgment, then it’s time to rewrite your thoughts! Practice that empathy to become more curious and less critical.
For example, if you have a colleague or employee who isn’t completing their work to their usual standard, instead of snapping at them or criticizing them for their carelessness, ask yourself why there would be a drop in productivity.
Maybe there’s a problem at home or a personal issue getting in the way.
When you practice a more compassionate standpoint, you will be one step closer to understanding the other person.
Reduce Your Gossiping
Don’t try to deny it, we’re all guilty of gossiping. The sooner we can admit that we all love to gossip from time to time, the sooner we can move away from being judgemental.
Of course, it is difficult to avoid gossiping completely, so we’re not recommending you stop altogether, but we do recommend taking note of when the conversation wades into judgemental territory and then making an effort to steer it back to something more grounded.
You can do this by bringing up another perspective, or mentioning the good qualities of the person you’re discussing.
Expand Your Circle
This tip cannot happen overnight, but it is a long-term goal you should work towards. It is always great to meet new people and build on those friendships.
You will often meet others who come from a different background to you and have a different upbringing and perspective.
This will challenge your own perspective and opinions and help you stay open-minded because you will have a better awareness of the challenges that others face.
If you’re looking to meet new people you can try picking up a new hobby, frequenting a new town, city, or neighborhood, making an effort with a friend of a friend, joining a new course, etc. The possibilities are endless!
Take Note Of When You Are Being Judgemental
The next time you catch yourself being judgemental, write a note of your thoughts, where you were, who you were with.
Do this continuously and you may start to notice a pattern, such as becoming more judgemental when you’re spending time with a certain friend group, or when you’re feeling insecure, or angry.
If you want to become less judgemental, then you must recognize these triggers and begin to move away from them.
Consider How You’d Like To Be Seen
It seems counterintuitive to focus on how you look to others when you’re trying to reduce judgment.
However, paying attention to how other people perceive you can be a great motivator in stopping the judgemental defense mechanisms from coming!
Of course, we’re not saying you should be paranoid and insecure about what other people think about you, but you should be conscious that if you judge others, people will remember you for being judgemental, and maybe less likely to want your friendship and less likely to open up to you.
Worse, they may try to be close to you only to avoid being judged themselves!
If you try to be a more compassionate person, then you’re going to be more likable and you will make more real friendships.
Remember You Are Not Above Being Judged
While plenty of people have habits, styles, opinions, etc, that you think are strange, don’t forget others can think the same of you, too!
People will always make unfair assumptions and judgments about you, but that doesn’t mean you should stop doing, wearing, or expressing what you find enjoyable.
If you’re self-assured and can understand this (which is amazing!), then there’s nothing stopping you from extending the consideration you have for yourself, to others.
Show Yourself Kindness
Sometimes, the hardest person to be kind to is yourself. If you’re harsh towards yourself, then you’re going to find it easier to be harsh towards other people, too.
Judging others can be a sign of our own insecurities and pain, so when we are more compassionate and kind towards ourselves, that should help when extending that compassion and kindness to others.
Additionally, you may find that being positive towards others makes you feel much better than when you’re being negative towards them!
We’re all guilty of being judgemental sometimes, and it is good to recognize that and try to change it.
It is helpful to practice showing kindness to yourself and to others by practicing empathy, reframing your thoughts to be more curious and positive, and keeping track of when you’re being judgemental to see if there are any changes that need to be made – be it to your social circle or your gossip habits.
However, it is also important to remember that in your journey to being less judgemental, you’re not always going to succeed.
It is important to remember that you are not a bad person, forgive yourself, and then keep trying.
Author: Michelle Landeros, LMFT
Michelle Landeros is a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist (LMFT). She is passionate about helping individuals, couples and families thrive.
Last updated: September 24, 2023